He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
