well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Help. Why am I so naked?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
