I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
