she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
