Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Will exercising make me less horny?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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