apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Hippo gnu deer
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
