I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
