Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
