Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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