You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize