you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We need to get me chipped asap
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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