My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
