haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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