Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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