I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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