So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
we're making bets on your personal life
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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