i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
