Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
