Moan for me like Helen Keller
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
