I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
