well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
How's work?
Spinning.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
