Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
