she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
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she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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