My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
