i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
