Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
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I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time