Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money