Texts From Last Night

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  (510): View more from California

  The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

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  (510): The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door. http://tfl.nu/oawg
  Replies (13) Good night (1240) Bad night (2479)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.

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  (586): My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis. http://tfl.nu/m0vb
  Replies (20) Good night (1100) Bad night (4388)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.

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  (201): The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me. http://tfl.nu/x7ng
  Replies (9) Good night (3463) Bad night (655)
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  (951): View more from California

  now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.

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  (951): now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria. http://tfl.nu/9jm0
  Replies (29) Good night (637) Bad night (6343)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.

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  (910): I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/zk0y
  Replies (14) Good night (1158) Bad night (4056)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.

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  (309): stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof. http://tfl.nu/lut1
  Replies (8) Good night (2737) Bad night (860)
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  (661): View more from California

  Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil

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  (661): Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil http://tfl.nu/8mk8
  Replies (10) Good night (1778) Bad night (1173)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....

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  (802): think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight.... http://tfl.nu/1kod
  Replies (9) Good night (897) Bad night (1378)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.

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  (304): I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud. http://tfl.nu/1ldm
  Replies (8) Good night (2263) Bad night (1173)
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  (949): View more from California

  Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?

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  (949): Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween? http://tfl.nu/23ri
  Replies (8) Good night (2985) Bad night (553)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.

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  (647): The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus. http://tfl.nu/lyxj
  Replies (6) Good night (524) Bad night (1456)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.

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  (602): Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world. http://tfl.nu/z3pl
  Replies (3) Good night (411) Bad night (826)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.

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  (804): The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation. http://tfl.nu/w1hq
  Replies (6) Good night (863) Bad night (286)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.

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  (215): My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived. http://tfl.nu/2w8v
  Replies (6) Good night (875) Bad night (208)
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  (805): View more from California

  I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water

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  (805): I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water http://tfl.nu/4hod
  Replies (2) Good night (969) Bad night (249)

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