She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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