Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
