ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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