I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
