Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
