it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
