Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
