We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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