As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
