You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
