Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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