i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
