mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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