I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
