I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
