I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
