im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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