The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
