When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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