I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
