if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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