Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
