I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
