highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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