I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
