yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
