I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
