I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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