I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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