Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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