I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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