i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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